HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to
cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat
to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler. Call spouse in and rub cat’s throat
vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of
Scotch. Poor shot, drink..
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whisky
compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one
from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologise to
neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little terror’s front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down
throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL.
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
Good dog!!